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My foot has a gimmy

MYSPACE IS SHIT                                                           (last updated: 12/3/02 - come back for regular updates)



What Is a Gimmy?      (Lyrics at bottom of page)

This is a thing that many Scottish people will know well and some say it is diet related, e.g. if you overdo it on deep fired battered food, especially pizzas. Others say it is something to do with the drink, and comes about through cheaper drinks like Tennents Lager the kind you get in most pubs round here. Others think it is the Buckfast, but there is argument over whether it is due to blended whisky’s (thats Scotch for foreign visitors).  There is a small but vocifeus body of opinion that says that the Gimmy is a midgie related problem, and personallyu I subscribe to this viewpoint. I was walking in the highlands in Knoydart (pronounced NOY-DART) in shorts as it was summer and some wee shit bit me on the back of my leg. It swole up and stayed there for absolutely years, getting itchy now and again.

I sometimes find the Gimmy switches foot if I’m writing or mixing songs, which is a surre sign it is a Gimmy which is quite benine rather than deep arterial thrombopsis which ofetne requires amputation, sometime as high up as the thigh if you’ve really been panning it in, but usually you have to wait until you’re fifty to be sure.

One way to keep your Gimmy under control is to wear thick socks and change them infrequently. Gimmy’s don’t like strong pungent odours like stale sweat so if you have to neglect some aspect of personal hygiene, your foot is best unless you do traditional folk music and wear open toed sandals and then you’ll just have to suffer in silence, a bit like most of the poor bastards who have to listen politlely

I’ve watched Alex Salmond at press condferences and I’m pretty sure he’s got a Gimmy on his right foot so if you do get one, then you’re in great company

  1. If you’re not going to hang around long, click on the album cover you can launch a “pop up mp3 player” so you can browse somewhere else still and listen to the music at the same time. I can’t work out how else to do it, but it means you can browse elsewhere and still be hearing the stuff. So once again, CLICK ON THE ALBUM COVER (For regular visitor The web site has now changed and you can do this on the welcom page, thank yuou).

  1. Also as an added bonus, as well as the album, you can  hear the magnum opus “Instructions for shopping”. This is the Tesco mix version, but it also works well in other big supermarkets though you might find Co-op’s, Marks & Spencer, and the like not quite big enough unless you are a really slow shopper, or the queues are really bad which does happen sometimes. USA friends say it is really nice for Wal Mart.

  2. DO you have a shopping story? Let us know!

The 7 songs on the new album are:

1) Sign Me Up To Chemikal Underground 2) There Is Nothing Like A Nice Anthemic Ballad 3) South By Southwest Not 4) My Song Has Only Got One Chord 5) You’re Not New 6) The Tinnitus Song 7) I Love Your Blog

Sorry we are no longer accepting new fans!

Sorry we are no longer accepting new fans!

  1. If you are a fellow musician looking for a record deal here is some good advice.

  2. When you go to meet your first A&R person. Always take your best songs, the ones you can hum along to. Ask your friends and family which tunes they think work. A lot of them don’t have cassette decks any more so make sure you have a CD.

  3. Dress smartly - it really helps to have an eye on fashion, so the A&R can see you are in touch with  the kind of thing young people like. When I was starting out I made the mistake of shopping at George, and sometimes H&M. People who work for record labels  can spot unfashionable clothes a mile off . A nice silk tie like the one on my album cover makes a good impression and you can pick them up at a local charity shop.

  4. Get a PR company involved if you can afford it. If you can’t, try pretending you can since most of them work on tick. A good PR company will get you into the Herald or maybe the evening times if you live in Glasgow.  

  5. Make a video, especially if you are good looking. You can usually tell this from your girlfriend - if people are eyeing her up when you go out, then you’re either a jammy bastard or quite good looking too. If you are a girl artist and get asked out a lot then you shpuld make a video too. General rule of thumb is for men more clothes, for women less.

  6. Find a promoter to put you on the bill at a local venue. The more tickets you sell the better your music will be, so don’t feel bad about getting even remote family members and long lost friends to buy tickets. If you sell plenty, then you will get more shows.

  7. Make a website like this and use facebook to get everybody to visit

  8. Don’t forget to make a good demo, as you will need to have one

There Is Nothing Like A Nice Anthemic Ballad


Well it starts with an acoustic guitar

As you wake up to the sound 

Of music from afar

And your head feels like

A bucket full of glass

When you wake up lying 

Face down in the grass 

And it hurts

And the buzz that rises round you 

Like the waters of the tay 

Is the flies around the sewage 

That wouldnae flush away

from the portaloo 

you blocked up with your spew

Heard your girlfriend shout

Just as you're passing out

You are dumped

Ya bam


There is nothing like a nice anthemic ballad

We can sing

When you've consumed so much lager

That the words don't mean a thing

We're anesthetised

We're completely fried  


Well you went to hear the music

But someone stole your bling

Got lost on the campsite

And never heard a thing

Found your girlfriend blowin'

Your best mate in his tent

And she's no just dumped you

She's spent all of the rent

And it ends with the sound of your car

Axle deep in cowshit

You won't be going far

And your head feels like

A bucket full of glass

When you wake up lying 

Face down in the grass 

And it hurts



South by South West Not


So you're going to south by south west

Been invited 'cos you're the finest

North west Dunbartonshire has got to offer

The looks, the chat, the boots, the specs, the hat, 

The hair, the teeth, the self belief,

The attitude, you've got just what it takes


But beware 

the funders have a place 

A cellar down below their base

They'll hang you upside from your toes

stick sharpened pencils up your nose

Attach electrodes to your bawz

If you don't come back with a deal

Their wrath you're gonna feel

Gonna make you



Like a Londoner

They're gonna make you sing sing like a Londoner etc..


So you've been to south by the west

You did your best, you played your finest

But only fourteen people came to see 

You broke the bank, your hotel stank

You flew a half way round the world, for what

You didn't even get a decent sun tan




I Love Your Blog


I love your blog

It is the best thing on the web

Told all my friends

They should subscribe

Lots of them did 

Now they love you 

They really do

They really do

I love your words

Like morning sunlight on the dew

In Pollok Park, after a tab

Or maybe two

The things we'd do

Just me and you 

And everyone 

Cos they all love you

They really do

We really do


And if I sung like Twin Atlantic

Would you think I was fantastic

If I add a glockenspiel

Would that maybe seal the deal



Sent you a track

But you never emailed back

Now my heart is broke and empty

Just like my inbox filled with spam

And useless junk

Four one one scams

Hot Russian birds and their webcams

And your blog turns up each week

But I have never heard a peek.


Not New


You're not new


You're not new, so you must be old


You're not new


My Song Has Only Got One Chord


My song has only got one chord

only got one chord

one chord

My song has only got 

only got one chord

one just one 


If thats not enough

If you're bored

If you need more chords

We can add some more 

We can add some more


My song has got a second verse 

Its got a second verse

I'm only kidding you


Chorus, chorus, chorus


The Tinnitus Song

Well it started when you were just twenty three

Still so young and still so free

It was a quiet insistent high pitched tone

You only ever heard when you were alone

In quiet spaces, quiet place

So you saw a consultant and he did say

It never goes, it's hear to stay 

Avoid loud noise as you get old

Now get to fuck 'cos you've been told

Get out 

There is no cure


Sign Me Up To Chemikal Underground

Sign me up, sign me up

Sign me up to Chemikal Underground Records

Underground Records


I might slightly balsing

I might be slightly fat

My lyrics might be rubbish

and my music might be crap 

But still each day 

I Kneel, I pray

I hope to hear the words you say

Sign here

On the dotted line

Sign here 

It'll all be fine

We won't let EMI

Get their hands on you 

Act now

For this offer will expire

Together we can save the world

The world (repeat)

Oh God and Jesus

Please sign me up

For my life is shit




6/8/2011 = Burger King, Glasgow Quay

7/8/2011 = Toilet

9/8/2011 = Facebook

10/8/2011 = Tesco Express, Battlefield

11/8/2011 = MOT Test, Mount Florida

12/8/2011 = Sports Centre, Bellahouston

13/8/2011 = Twitter

14/8/2011 = Achhuil Bothy, Knoydart

15/8/2011 = Oxfam, Fort William 

16/8/2011 = Sammy Dow’s, Pollokshields

17/8/2011 = BP Shop ‘n Go, Shawlands

18/8/2011 = Farmers Market, Crosshill

19/8/2011 =

20/8/2011 =

21/8/2011 =

22/8/2011 =

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gh, this fix laTER.

oes in wild par



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